Lead Your Heart - Away by Seeing the RED FLAGS of Abusers (Conclusion)

Concluding the Red Flags

It's taken a while to get through all the red flags, but I wanted to make sure that it's done in bite size so people don't get overwhelmed by them. It's important to note that no single one of the red flags is a sure sign of an abusive man, with the exception of PHYSICAL INTIMIDATION.

Many non-abusive men may exhibit a number of these behaviors to a limited degree. What, then, should a woman do to protect herself from having a relationship turn abusive?

Although there is no foolproof solution, the best plan is:

• Make it CLEAR to him as soon as possible which behaviors or attitudes are unacceptable to you and that you cannot be in a relationship with him if they continue. And do NOT bluff. Say something that you know you will be able to follow up on so that he knows you are serious. Don't keep saying that you "cannot be in a relationship with him," but then never taking steps to leave or put a stop to the relationship.

 

• If it happens again, STOP seeing him for a substantial period of time. DON"T keep seeing him with the warning that this TIME, you "really mean it," because he will probably interpret it to mean that you don't.  

 

• If it happens a third time, or if he switches to other behaviors, that are also Red Flags, chances are great that he has an abuse problem. If you give him too many chances or wait too long, it will be harder for you to get out of the relationship and you will probably regret it later.  

You MUST be aware that in the beginning, when an abuser starts to become abusive, he believes that YOU are the one who is changing. His perceptions work this way because he feels so justified in his actions that he can NOT IMAGINE that HE is the problem...

All he notices is that you don't seem to be living up to his image of the perfect, all-giving, deferential woman who is there to serve his every needs even before he thinks of it.

 

If you have any questions about a particular red flag, just ask and I will do my best to answer. Remember, these are just red flags... meaning that they are early warning signs. After going into some of these in greater details, I will probably start on the Characteristic s of Abusers, there are actually different types of abusers... which I did not know until I read this book.

So, if there is no foolproof solution, then how do we know if the way he is treating us is abuse or not? How do we know when those red flags are abusive behavior and when they are just the behaviors exhibit by non-abusive men?

 

Some people expect that you'll be intelligent enough to discern that for yourself, but I say, take the red flags for what they are: indicators.

There is no fool proof way of knowing if a person will abuse you or not until you stick around long enough to find out. If you sense that something is wrong, it probably is. All of the things mentioned can be linked to each other. If there are signs of the above, you may want to reconsider being with such a person anyway, regardless of whether s/he might abuse you.

Oftentimes, and early on in the relationship, the good (charming, kindness, generosity, character, etc) outweighs the bad (the red flags). And we often chuck it up to people having some flaws, no one can be perfect, etc.

BUT... UNDESTANDING these red flags... along with the Characteristic s and Mentality of abusers will help us to determine if this is just an imperfect person whom we happen to fall in love with (and that is ALL of us), or if this IS AN ABUSIVE PERSON (which is just a few).