Lead Your Heart - Away by Seeing the RED FLAGS of Abusers (Flag 15)

Red Flag 15 - He Appear to be Attracted to Vulnerability

One way that this warning sign manifests itself is in cases of men who are attracted to women (or girls) who are much younger than they are. And that is what makes it so confusing in Hmong marriages and relationships. The average gap for most of us is about 4 to 6 years. Some have gaps as wide as 10 to 12 years.

So... it doesn't mean that this red flag is not valid, it just means that we should see it in perspective and NOT ASSUME that all Hmong marriages are abusive just because of the age gap.

Here are some points to consider... Why does a 30 year old man pursue 18 or 20 year olds? Could it be that he finds them stimulating and interesting? Probably not. Years ago, I met a man here on PH... he was 29, single, never been married. Had good career, etc. He told me that he had no interests in women in their late teens to early 20's... that he had nothing in common with them.

I agree with him. They are at completely different developmental points in life with a dramatic imbalance in their levels of knowledge and experience. He is attracted to power and seeks a partner who will look up to him with awe and allow him to lead her.

Of course, he would tell her just the opposite. He would say that he wants to be with her because of how mature and responsible she is... that she is so sophisticated for someone so young... and that she is so wise and intelligent. He may even compliment her on her beauty... and say how much power she has over him... setting up the young victim so that she does not recognize what is happening to her.  

Even without chronological age difference, some abusive men are drawn to women who have less life experience, some abusive men are drawn to women who have less life experience, knowledge, or self-confidence, and who will look up to the man as the teacher or mentor.

Over the years, Lundy Bancroft have come across many abusers who are attracted to women who are vulnerable because of recent traumatic experiences in their lives, including many who have started relationships by helping a woman break away from an abusive partner and then start to control or abuse her themselves. I have not seen this in Hmong people yet.

Some abusive men seek out a woman who comes from a troubled or abusive childhood, who has health problems, or who has suffered a recent severe loss, and present themselves as
rescuers.

Of course, there are plenty of abusive men who are NOT particularly attracted to vulnerability or neediness in women and who are more drawn to tougher or more successful women. This style of abuser appears to feel that he has caught a bigger fish if he can reel in an accomplished, self-confident woman to dominate.

BE ALERT FOR THE MAN WHO SEEMS TO BE ATTRACTED TO POWER IMBALANCES.