Lead Your Heart - Away by Seeing the RED FLAGS of Abusers (Conclusion)

Concluding the Red Flags

It's taken a while to get through all the red flags, but I wanted to make sure that it's done in bite size so people don't get overwhelmed by them. It's important to note that no single one of the red flags is a sure sign of an abusive man, with the exception of PHYSICAL INTIMIDATION.

Many non-abusive men may exhibit a number of these behaviors to a limited degree. What, then, should a woman do to protect herself from having a relationship turn abusive?

Although there is no foolproof solution, the best plan is:

• Make it CLEAR to him as soon as possible which behaviors or attitudes are unacceptable to you and that you cannot be in a relationship with him if they continue. And do NOT bluff. Say something that you know you will be able to follow up on so that he knows you are serious. Don't keep saying that you "cannot be in a relationship with him," but then never taking steps to leave or put a stop to the relationship.

 

• If it happens again, STOP seeing him for a substantial period of time. DON"T keep seeing him with the warning that this TIME, you "really mean it," because he will probably interpret it to mean that you don't.  

 

• If it happens a third time, or if he switches to other behaviors, that are also Red Flags, chances are great that he has an abuse problem. If you give him too many chances or wait too long, it will be harder for you to get out of the relationship and you will probably regret it later.  

You MUST be aware that in the beginning, when an abuser starts to become abusive, he believes that YOU are the one who is changing. His perceptions work this way because he feels so justified in his actions that he can NOT IMAGINE that HE is the problem...

All he notices is that you don't seem to be living up to his image of the perfect, all-giving, deferential woman who is there to serve his every needs even before he thinks of it.

 

If you have any questions about a particular red flag, just ask and I will do my best to answer. Remember, these are just red flags... meaning that they are early warning signs. After going into some of these in greater details, I will probably start on the Characteristic s of Abusers, there are actually different types of abusers... which I did not know until I read this book.

So, if there is no foolproof solution, then how do we know if the way he is treating us is abuse or not? How do we know when those red flags are abusive behavior and when they are just the behaviors exhibit by non-abusive men?

 

Some people expect that you'll be intelligent enough to discern that for yourself, but I say, take the red flags for what they are: indicators.

There is no fool proof way of knowing if a person will abuse you or not until you stick around long enough to find out. If you sense that something is wrong, it probably is. All of the things mentioned can be linked to each other. If there are signs of the above, you may want to reconsider being with such a person anyway, regardless of whether s/he might abuse you.

Oftentimes, and early on in the relationship, the good (charming, kindness, generosity, character, etc) outweighs the bad (the red flags). And we often chuck it up to people having some flaws, no one can be perfect, etc.

BUT... UNDESTANDING these red flags... along with the Characteristic s and Mentality of abusers will help us to determine if this is just an imperfect person whom we happen to fall in love with (and that is ALL of us), or if this IS AN ABUSIVE PERSON (which is just a few).

Lead Your Heart - Away by Seeing the RED FLAGS of Abusers (Flag 15)

Red Flag 15 - He Appear to be Attracted to Vulnerability

One way that this warning sign manifests itself is in cases of men who are attracted to women (or girls) who are much younger than they are. And that is what makes it so confusing in Hmong marriages and relationships. The average gap for most of us is about 4 to 6 years. Some have gaps as wide as 10 to 12 years.

So... it doesn't mean that this red flag is not valid, it just means that we should see it in perspective and NOT ASSUME that all Hmong marriages are abusive just because of the age gap.

Here are some points to consider... Why does a 30 year old man pursue 18 or 20 year olds? Could it be that he finds them stimulating and interesting? Probably not. Years ago, I met a man here on PH... he was 29, single, never been married. Had good career, etc. He told me that he had no interests in women in their late teens to early 20's... that he had nothing in common with them.

I agree with him. They are at completely different developmental points in life with a dramatic imbalance in their levels of knowledge and experience. He is attracted to power and seeks a partner who will look up to him with awe and allow him to lead her.

Of course, he would tell her just the opposite. He would say that he wants to be with her because of how mature and responsible she is... that she is so sophisticated for someone so young... and that she is so wise and intelligent. He may even compliment her on her beauty... and say how much power she has over him... setting up the young victim so that she does not recognize what is happening to her.  

Even without chronological age difference, some abusive men are drawn to women who have less life experience, some abusive men are drawn to women who have less life experience, knowledge, or self-confidence, and who will look up to the man as the teacher or mentor.

Over the years, Lundy Bancroft have come across many abusers who are attracted to women who are vulnerable because of recent traumatic experiences in their lives, including many who have started relationships by helping a woman break away from an abusive partner and then start to control or abuse her themselves. I have not seen this in Hmong people yet.

Some abusive men seek out a woman who comes from a troubled or abusive childhood, who has health problems, or who has suffered a recent severe loss, and present themselves as
rescuers.

Of course, there are plenty of abusive men who are NOT particularly attracted to vulnerability or neediness in women and who are more drawn to tougher or more successful women. This style of abuser appears to feel that he has caught a bigger fish if he can reel in an accomplished, self-confident woman to dominate.

BE ALERT FOR THE MAN WHO SEEMS TO BE ATTRACTED TO POWER IMBALANCES.

Lead Your Heart - Away by Seeing the RED FLAGS of Abusers (Flag 14)

 

Red Flag 14 - He Treats You Differently Around Other People

This one is typically true in all abusers, except for those who thinks that they are so smart, no one will see through their façade. Adult abusers tend to put on a show of treating their partners like gold when there are people around, especially people who are not closely related. No matter how angry he is at you, he will smile and speak lovingly to you until you get in the car or home... and THEN and ONLY THEN the abuse comes out. 

This leaves many victim wishing that they were married to the man who the public see and not the one at home.

Lead Your Heart - Away by Seeing the RED FLAGS of Abusers (Flag 13)

Red Flag 13 - He Has Negative Attitudes Toward Women

This one is hard to tell at first because he will most likely tell you that you are wonderful and that he has a lot of respect for you. He will tell you early on in the relationship that you are different from other women, that there is something unique about you. But t he distinction will not last long, at most only until he has you hooked, either into a longer term relationship or marriage.

Being a woman, why would you want to be involved with someone who sees women as inferior, stupid, conniving, or ONLY GOOD FOR SEX? He isn't going to forget for a long that you ARE ALSO A WOMAN.

This one is also hard to distinguish in Hmong men. A lot of us were taught that women should take care of the home, or that a man's career is more important than a woman's. So, for the typical Hmong wife, it's hard to tell that these stereotyped beliefs about women's sex roles COULD be a sign of abuse.

This gives him an excuse to punish you when you start to refuse to live in this box.

Lead Your Heart - Away by Seeing the RED FLAGS of Abusers (Flag 12)

Red Flag 12 - He Has Double Standards

Be extra careful of a man who has a different set of rules for his behavior than for yours. This one is hard to see for Hmong people because it's not the man, but society itself that sets up this double standard. That's why it's hard to see who is abusive and who isn't when it comes to Hmong men in this regard. Double standards are an important aspect of life with an abuser, as we will see later on.

Lead Your Heart - Away by Seeing the RED FLAGS of Abusers (Flag 11)

 

 

 

Red Flag 11 - He Intimidates You When He's Angry

 



 

Intimidation, even if it appears unintentional, is a sign that emotional abuse is on the way - or has already begun - and is a warning flag that physical violence may eventually follow.  If you see any of the signs, BE WARE!


a)  He gets too close to you when he's angry, puts a finger in your face, pokes you, pushes you, blocks your way, or restrains you.


b)  He tells you that he is "just trying to make you listen."


c)  He raises a fist, towers over you, shouts you down, or behaves in any other way that makes you flinch or feel afraid.


d)  He makes vaguely threatening comments, such as, "You don't want to see me mad" or "You don't know who you're messing with."


e)  He drives recklessly or speeds up when he's angry.


f)  He punches walls or kicks doors.


g)  He throws around, even if they don't hit you.


The more deeply involved you become with an intimidating man, the more difficult it will get out of the relationship.  Unfortunately, many women believe just the opposite: They think.  Well, he does scare me a little sometimes, but I'll leave him if it does.  But getting away from someone who has become frightening, is much more complicated than most people realize, and it gets harder with each day that passes. Don't wait around to see.

Lead Your Heart - Away by Seeing the RED FLAGS of Abusers (Flag 10)

Red Flag 10 - He Gets Serious too Quickly About the Relationship

Note: In every abusive relationship I have seen, especially with Hmong people, this is ALWAYS true. 

First of all, Hmong people's mindset are different from those of Americans. Most Hmong couples tend to meet and then quickly decide to get married. However, with abusers, the process is even faster. Most people married within months or even weeks of meeting each other. Not to say that all people who marry quick are abusive... but this treat is always present in abusive marriages.

With other cultures, like Americans, etc... many men are commitment phobic, and even now a days with some Hmong men... so when a woman find a man who is really into her and starts talking about marriage right away, she can feel relieved to find a partner who isn't afraid to talk about marriage and family. 

However, you need to be careful if he jumps too soon into planning your future together, especially if you feel that you don't even know him well enough yet... and that you are being rushed. This is especially alarming if you know that he have not taken enough time to get to know you and grow close to you yet. Take steps to slow things down a bit. If he won't respect your wishes in this regard, chances are that there will be trouble down the road.

Lead Your Heart - Away by Seeing the RED FLAGS of Abusers (Flag 7 ate[8] 9)

Red Flag 7 - He is Self-Center

Because abusers’ charm is their ability to put forward a good impression, their self-centeredness may not always be apparent in the beginning, but there are symptoms you can watch for.

Notice whether he does a lot more than his share of the talking, listens poorly when you speak, and chronically shifts the topic of conversation back to himself.

Self-centeredness is a personality characteristic that is highly resistant to change, as it has deep roots in either profound ENTITLEMENT (in abusers) or to server early emotional injuries (in non-abusers)… some abusers have both.

                                                                                                             

Red Flag 8 - He Abuses Drugs or Alcohol

Be especially careful if he pressures you to participate in substance use with him. Although substances do not cause partner abuse, they often go hand in hand. He may try to hook you into believing that you can help him get clean and sober; substance abusers are often "just about" to quit.

Red Flag 9 - He Pressures You for Sex

Yes, yes... I know what you guys are thinking or are going to say... anyway... just read, ok?

"This warning sign is always important, but even more so for teenagers and young adult men. Not respecting your wishes or feelings regarding sex speaks of exploitation, which in turns goes with abuse." Said Lundy Bancroft. 
Why is this important? Well, it's important because if he sees his "need" for sex as more important than your wishes or feelings, the it's a sign that he sees women as sex objects and not human beings. Any man who says that you need to have sex with him to prove that you love him and care for him, and that if you don't, he will find someone who does... let him go.

Lead Your Heart - Away by Seeing the RED FLAGS of Abusers (Flag 6)

Red Flag 6 - Nothing is Ever His Fault

Anytime something goes wrong or happens, he blames someone or something or his past or his hard life growing up, etc... as time goes by, the target of his blame increasingly becomes you.

Because abusers always want to present a good image, they often make promises that can't or have no intention of keeping. When the time comes near or past and they did not deliver, they always have a steady stream of excuses for disappointing their partner or children...

I know this one father, he would make promises to his kids that they will do this or do that... but never follow through. It was always tomorrow. One time his wife ask him why he always say tomorrow and not that day... he said that because if he says tomorrow, then he isn't lying... tomorrow is the next day. He had no intention of keeping the promises.

When his kids grew older and they planned on going to conventions or major events, he would say that they could go... because he had a reputation of world's greatest dad to maintain... but as the time near, he starts to find fault in everything they did... often provoking them. If they try to remain calm, he would find more and more things to edge them on... until they break. The moment they break and get angry or upset... he crushes down on them and as punishment, they are no longer allowed to attend the event. It repeatedly happen over and over with not just one kid, but many of them.

Some behave irresponsibly... and perhaps taking serious economic advantage of the partner in the process.

Lead Your Heart - Away by Seeing the RED FLAGS of Abusers (Flag 5)

Red Flag 5 - He is Possessive

"I am so sorry that I got so bent of out of shape about you talking to other men. It's just that I have never been so crazy about a woman before. I just can't stand thinking of you with another man."

Possessiveness masquerading as love... jealous behavior is one of the surest signs that abuse is down the road. Yes, I know this sounds like a lot of Hmong men... but don't get upset yet...

Here is the distinction ... jealous FEELINGS are not the same as behaviors... a man with some insecurities may naturally feel anxious about his partner's associations with other men... and might need some reassurance.

BUT if he indicates that he expects you to give up your freedom to accommodate his jealousy, control is creeping up. Your social life shouldn't have to change because of his insecurities.

He may call you five times a day... insisting on having lunch with you every day.... keeping track of what you are doing all the time or insist on spending every evening with you.

His feelings for you are probably powerful, but that's not WHY he wants constant contact... he is keeping tabs on you! He wants to established that you BELONG to him.

A man's jealousy can be flattering. It feels great that he is wildly in love with you, that he wants you so badly. But a man can be crazy about you without being jealous. Possessiveness shows that he doesn't love you as an independent human being, but rather as a guarded treasure.

All of these behaviors are about ownership... not love.

 

 

Lead Your Heart - Away by Seeing the RED FLAGS of Abusers (Flag 4)

 

Red Flag 4 - He is Controlling

Controlling behavior is actually very subtle... at first, it's just a typical man who takes charge and is decisive... it is usually so subtle that you would never thought it was abuse. 

He might drop a comment here or there... about your clothes, your looks, etc... he might say that you dress is too short... too sexy... or that your burmuda shorts are too old fashion... he might start being a little too negative about your family or one of your good friends.  I remember that after our wedding... my ex and I dropped my friend off at her house after the reception.  She and I hugged and said our good-byes (it was the last time I saw her).  When I got back into the car, he said, looking at her back "Too bad we don't have a d!ck for you." 

I looked at him in surprise, "What are you are talking about?"  I asked him.  "She came to our wedding, not to look for a boyfriend or anything." 

He said, "Well, it's true.  We don't have a d!ck for her."  I was very upset and argued with him (on my wedding night), but did not know enough at the time to see that it was a red flag.

At first, abusive men tell their partner that they are crazy about her... so completely in love that they want to spend as much time as possible with her.  Many starts to pressure her to spend more time with them... and anyone or anything that takes away her time or attention becomes targets for them to start taking away from her... either by saying negative things or by getting upset/her, among many other things. 

Some makes a woman feel like they really care about her life because they start to give advice... often too much.... about how she ought to manage her life and show hints of impatience when she resists his recommendation s or suggestions... and if she doesn't share their opinions about politics, personal relationships, music, or other tastes... they start to act bothered and hurt....

 

Lead Your Heart - Away by Seeing the RED FLAGS of Abusers (Flag 2 & 3)

  

Red Flag 2  - He is disrespectful toward you.

A man has no respect for his partner if he sneers at her opinions... is rude to her in front of other people... and is cutting or sarcastic.


If these behaviors happen often or if he defends them when you complain about how they make you feel, most likely he is abusive.

On the other end of the spectrum, disrespect can also take the form of idealizing you and putting you on a pedestal... as a perfect woman or goddess, perhaps treating you like a piece of fine china... or a precious jewel.  The man who worships you in this way is not seeing you; he is seeing his fantasy, and when you fail to live up to that image, he may turn abusive. 


There is not much difference between a man who talks down to his partner or one who elevates her; both are displaying failures to respect her as a real human being and this often leads to abuse.

Red Flag 3 - He does favors for you that you don't want or puts on such a show of generosity that it makes you uncomfortable.

Usually, abusive men try to create a sense of indebtedness.. .by doing lots of things for their partner and her family... I know a lady whose abusive boyfriend will come and stay at her house and fixes things around the house, he even went as far as to build an additional room in her shed.  When he started being abusive and she refused to marry him, he told her that she had to pay him back for all the free labor he put in... every time she tries to get away, he would tell her sappy stories from his past that had "scarred him" and made him that way... he told her that it's because he is so crazy about her that he can't think straight and that is why he did that... he becomes all loving and romantic again... for a few days.  While she refused to marry him, she can't get rid of him... he will show up and stay for weeks... and if she refused to let him in, he would sit outside her door all night ... until she feels bad and open it for him. 


Others go out of their way to help the partner's family... so when the family start pointing out his abusive behaviors, he is able to convince her that they took advantage of his kindness and are now turning against him unfairly - because they no longer need his help.

Lead Your Heart - Away by Seeing the RED FLAGS of Abusers (Flag 1)

 

Red Flag 1 -  He speaks disrespectfully about his former partners.

Some anger and resentment toward an ex-partner is normal.  However, BEWARE of men who are very focused on their bitterness or who tell you about it inappropriately early on in your dating. 

Be extremely careful of men who talks about women from their past in degrading or condescending ways or who finds fault in EVERYTHING the women did, even if it was a good thing... OR who characterizes himself as a victim of abuse by women.

Be on the alert, with all your antennas up, if they say that their previous wife or girlfriend falsely accused them of being abusive; the great majority of reports of abuse are accurate. 

When other women consider them abusive, ALWAYS find a way to get their side of the story.  Even if you end up not believing their stories... you will at least know the behaviors to watch out for... just in case. 

Be cautious and any man who admits to abusing a former partner... but claims that he circumstances were exceptional, blames it on her, or blames it on alcohol or immaturity.
                                                                                                                          
Be cautious of men who say that you are nothing like the other women in their lives... that you are the first partner to treat them well, or that earlier women have not understood them... this will make you attempt to work doubly hard to prove that you aren't like those other women... ONE of your foot is already in the trap.  It won't be long before they start telling you that you are "just like the rest of them." 

A few abusers have the opposite approach... which is to glorify and elevate their former partners so that you feel like you can never quite compete.  If they start to lament about the fact that you aren't as sexy, athletic, domestic, or successful as the women who went before you, chances are that you will NOT measure up any better later on... no matter how hard you try.  They want to feel one up on you so that they can have the upper hand.

Take note of whether they accept ANY responsibility for what went wrong in their previous relationships.  If everything was always the women's fault, you will soon be to blame for all difficulties in the new relationship.
                                                                                                                                

Lead Your Heart - Away by Seeing the RED FLAGS of Abusers (Intro)

 

Red Flags - The following red flags mean that abuse could be down the road, and perhaps not far:

1.  He speaks disrespectfully y about his former partners.


2.  He is disrespectful toward you.


3.  He does favor for you that you don't want or puts on such a show of generosity that makes you uncomfortable.


4.  He is controlling.


5.  He is possessive.


6.  Nothing is ever his fault.


7.  He is self-centered.


8.  He abuses drugs or alcohol.


9.  He pressures you for sex.


10.  He gets serious too quickly about the relationship.


11.  He intimidates you when he is angry.


12.  He has double standards.


13.  He has negative attitudes toward women.


14.  He treats you differently around other people.


15.  He appears to be attracted to vulnerability.




I will go into more details in the following posts...