Characteristics of the Drill Sergeant Abuser
Summary
He is extremely controlling - running his partner's life in every way that he can. He takes great pleasure in criticizing her clothes, tells where she can and cannot go and for how long; he interferes with her work. He wants her to have no one close to her.He takes great pleasure in using demeaning and disturbing sexual terms in his arguments.
Conclusion
The Drill Sergeant abuser is a dangerous one. He is fanatically jealous and often accuses his partner of having affair. Unfortunately, the Drill Sergeant is almost sure to be physically violent sooner or later. Getting away from the Drill Sergeant can be difficult because he monitors his partner's movement so closely - making her situation a dangerous one.
The mentality and thinking of the Drill Sergeant abuser are:
1. I need to control everything you do. If I don't, you will do it wrong.
2. I know the exact way that everything should be done. Whether I tell you or not, you should also know it and just do it.
3. You shouldn't have anything or anyone else in your life besides men.
4. I am going to watch you all the time to make sure that you don't develop strength or independence.
5. I love you more than anyone else in the world, but you disgust me!!!
Details
The Drill Sergeant abuser is extremely controlling. He controls every aspect of his partner's life, from how she dresses, who she can talk to on the phone - or not at all, whether she can socialize with people or not - even her own family members. He monitors every thing that goes on at her work and interferes with it - often accusing her of having affairs if she goes to work 15 minutes early or comes home 5 minutes late. If she isn't home by the allotted time he had calculated in his head, or her usual time in the evening, she is at risk for abuse. She has no more freedom than an 8 year old living with a tyrannical father.
He does not want her to have anyone else in her life, except him. This includes friends, relatives, and even their own children. He seeks to destroy all of her relationships, often telling her that so and so does not love her or even like her, or he would call them awful and derogatory names so that they end up arguing for hours on end. If the kids catch a cold or have any kind of illness, he would tell them that they are sick because their mom caught it from her boyfriend and pass it on to them. If the woman have a good relationship with her kids, he accuses her of having sexual feelings for them, especially if they are boys. Or he tells her that the kids are so bad because she interacts with them as friends and that is why they have no respect for her - even if it is very obvious that the kids love and respect their mother. Some abusers outright forbid her to have any contact with anyone. Others make so much problems out of the visits, phone calls, writing letters, or social media that eventually, it was more trouble than it was worth for her to stay in touch and she gives them up in order to keep the peace.
He does not want her to have anyone else in her life, except him. This includes friends, relatives, and even their own children. He seeks to destroy all of her relationships, often telling her that so and so does not love her or even like her, or he would call them awful and derogatory names so that they end up arguing for hours on end. If the kids catch a cold or have any kind of illness, he would tell them that they are sick because their mom caught it from her boyfriend and pass it on to them. If the woman have a good relationship with her kids, he accuses her of having sexual feelings for them, especially if they are boys. Or he tells her that the kids are so bad because she interacts with them as friends and that is why they have no respect for her - even if it is very obvious that the kids love and respect their mother. Some abusers outright forbid her to have any contact with anyone. Others make so much problems out of the visits, phone calls, writing letters, or social media that eventually, it was more trouble than it was worth for her to stay in touch and she gives them up in order to keep the peace.
The Drill Sergeant is extremely jealous. He may listen to her phone calls or read her mails, or require the children to report on her activities anytime he is away or not with her. I know of a Hmong man who was a Drill Sergeant type of abuser and he would hook up a recorder to the house phone in the basement and he would listen to all conversations on a regular basis. After his wife left him and another woman moved in with him, he also recorder all her calls too. One time, she came upon the recorder and she was terrified. He was away a lot and she used those times to talk to her family and friends, not aware that he was recording all of them. She had no idea how much he had heard or not heard. She was very scared and didn't know what to do.
He accuses his partner of cheating on him or checking out other men. He uses crass and disturbing sexual terms to tear her down. He attacks not only her, but other women as well - often saying that "all Hmong women" are like this or like that. He resorts to hateful remarks and hideous comments about female in general by saying things like: "All women are whores." "Women are dogs, they will split their legs for anyone." or "All Hmong women are whores. Given half a chance, they will all cheat."
The emotional effect of these verbal attacks can leaving a woman feeling as if she had been sexually assaulted. She feels violated, debased, and traumatized.
Ironically, this type of abuser is likely to be cheating on his partner. Infidelity isn't what he cares about, it's possession - ownership and entitlement.
Drill Sergeant Abusers are almost certain to become physically violent sooner or later. Usually, it starts with verbal attacks. And when that no longer works, then they beginning by threatening their partner. When threats are no longer effective at intimidating their partner, they escalate it to physical assault - perhaps with shoving her against the wall, a slap, a punch, to eventually getting more and more severe.
A victim is just human like any of us. We can only do so much to please another person. No matter how much she tried to please the abuser, sooner or later she would do or say something that he finds offensive - or he may just be itching to hit someone and she happened to be in the vicinity. Any deviation from what he has in his head as "appropriate behavior" is seen as standing up to him, any attempt at preserving some of her rights as a human being is seen as being disrespectful to him. If he senses any of this, his violence and threats are likely to escalate until she is hurt or terrified enough that she submits to his control. He is at risk to severely beating his partner up; some left black and blue; some left unconscious; a few left dead.
Getting away from the Drill Sergeant abuser will be very difficult because he monitors his partner's movements and whereabouts very closely. If she works, he timed her drive and often keeps track of the mileage on her car. If she is late or have a few more miles on her car, she is questioned and often accused of meeting up with someone and having an affair. It is a challenge for her to get to a support group for abused women or to seek other kinds of support.
Most victims of the Drill Sergeant abusers are completely isolated from her people. Making it impossible for her to seek help from anyone. She is left to draw entirely upon her own strength, knowledge, and courage. There are days when she feel like she has no strength left. No way out. She has to consider the consequences of leaving him because he had been physically violence in the past and had made open threats of killing her if she attempts to leave him. Not only does she have to worry about getting herself out safely, but how to get out with all the children - if there are any.
If your partner is a Drill Sergeant, your situation is a dangerous one.
You will have to use some courage - and careful planning - to even be able to get the opportunity to read any information on domestic violence. It is my hope that by providing this on the world wide web, you will be able to read it and get the information you need without putting yourself in danger. Don't give up. Many women have gone through this kind of captivity and have found a way to escape, even if it takes some time.
I am one of them.
The most important thing is to seek opportunities to phone a hotline for abused women. Call every day if you can. The hotline is the first step to the beginning of the path to freedom. Ask them to help you prepare a safety plan. They will know what to do. Repeat it in your own head until you get it. Let them know that you are in a dangerous situation so you cannot have any written material on you. Have them keep it in a file and read it to you every time you call.
You may be tempted to have a secret affair because your partner shows you so little kindness or tenderness.
Don't!
A positive sexual connection may be especially affirming for you, because of how sexually degrading the Drill Sergeant tends to be. But cheating on him can be DEADLY if he catches you. Consider holding off on seeing other men until you have gotten yourself safe and things have settled down.
Jumping too quickly into another relationship before you have had a chance to heal and learn more about abusive men can be dangerous. Not just from the abuser, but also from the future partner. Most people tend to fall in love with the same type of men. If you don't take the time to heal and to learn, you could end up leaving one abuser just to get into a relationship with another abuser. I have talked to too many women who have walked this path.
Take some time to heal and to educate yourself.
The Drill Sergeant abuser often has some psychological problems. Although mental health issues do not cause abusiveness, they can intensify a man's violent tendencies. If he sometimes seems to become convinced of things that are obviously not true, has trouble getting along with people in general, was severely abused or neglected as a child, or has other indications of mental illness, you need to take even greater caution.
When there is indication of additional problems, it is important to be aware of:
MANY ABUSERS WHO ARE NOT MENTALLY ILL WANT WOMEN TO THINK THAT THEY ARE, IN ORDER TO AVOID RESPONSIBILITY FOR THEIR ATTITUDES AND BEHAVIOR.
This concludes the discussions and details on the Drill Sergeant Type of Abusers. Before elaborating on the other types, I would like to take the discussion on a little detour.
Going into details of the Drill Sergeant abuser, I am reminded of how dangerous some of the situations may be. Many of these women may be wondering if he is going to get violent. Most importantly, I want to explore how to safely leave an abuser.
Although the Drill Sergeant abusers are especially likely to become dangerous, they are not the only ones who may do so. Many abusers occasionally use physical violence or threats as a way to intimidate their partner when they feel that their power or control over her is slipping; violence for them is a kind of "trump card" they use when their normal patterns of psychological abuse are not getting them the degree of control they feel they are entitled to.
He accuses his partner of cheating on him or checking out other men. He uses crass and disturbing sexual terms to tear her down. He attacks not only her, but other women as well - often saying that "all Hmong women" are like this or like that. He resorts to hateful remarks and hideous comments about female in general by saying things like: "All women are whores." "Women are dogs, they will split their legs for anyone." or "All Hmong women are whores. Given half a chance, they will all cheat."
The emotional effect of these verbal attacks can leaving a woman feeling as if she had been sexually assaulted. She feels violated, debased, and traumatized.
Ironically, this type of abuser is likely to be cheating on his partner. Infidelity isn't what he cares about, it's possession - ownership and entitlement.
Drill Sergeant Abusers are almost certain to become physically violent sooner or later. Usually, it starts with verbal attacks. And when that no longer works, then they beginning by threatening their partner. When threats are no longer effective at intimidating their partner, they escalate it to physical assault - perhaps with shoving her against the wall, a slap, a punch, to eventually getting more and more severe.
A victim is just human like any of us. We can only do so much to please another person. No matter how much she tried to please the abuser, sooner or later she would do or say something that he finds offensive - or he may just be itching to hit someone and she happened to be in the vicinity. Any deviation from what he has in his head as "appropriate behavior" is seen as standing up to him, any attempt at preserving some of her rights as a human being is seen as being disrespectful to him. If he senses any of this, his violence and threats are likely to escalate until she is hurt or terrified enough that she submits to his control. He is at risk to severely beating his partner up; some left black and blue; some left unconscious; a few left dead.
Getting away from the Drill Sergeant abuser will be very difficult because he monitors his partner's movements and whereabouts very closely. If she works, he timed her drive and often keeps track of the mileage on her car. If she is late or have a few more miles on her car, she is questioned and often accused of meeting up with someone and having an affair. It is a challenge for her to get to a support group for abused women or to seek other kinds of support.
Most victims of the Drill Sergeant abusers are completely isolated from her people. Making it impossible for her to seek help from anyone. She is left to draw entirely upon her own strength, knowledge, and courage. There are days when she feel like she has no strength left. No way out. She has to consider the consequences of leaving him because he had been physically violence in the past and had made open threats of killing her if she attempts to leave him. Not only does she have to worry about getting herself out safely, but how to get out with all the children - if there are any.
If your partner is a Drill Sergeant, your situation is a dangerous one.
You will have to use some courage - and careful planning - to even be able to get the opportunity to read any information on domestic violence. It is my hope that by providing this on the world wide web, you will be able to read it and get the information you need without putting yourself in danger. Don't give up. Many women have gone through this kind of captivity and have found a way to escape, even if it takes some time.
I am one of them.
The most important thing is to seek opportunities to phone a hotline for abused women. Call every day if you can. The hotline is the first step to the beginning of the path to freedom. Ask them to help you prepare a safety plan. They will know what to do. Repeat it in your own head until you get it. Let them know that you are in a dangerous situation so you cannot have any written material on you. Have them keep it in a file and read it to you every time you call.
You may be tempted to have a secret affair because your partner shows you so little kindness or tenderness.
Don't!
A positive sexual connection may be especially affirming for you, because of how sexually degrading the Drill Sergeant tends to be. But cheating on him can be DEADLY if he catches you. Consider holding off on seeing other men until you have gotten yourself safe and things have settled down.
Jumping too quickly into another relationship before you have had a chance to heal and learn more about abusive men can be dangerous. Not just from the abuser, but also from the future partner. Most people tend to fall in love with the same type of men. If you don't take the time to heal and to learn, you could end up leaving one abuser just to get into a relationship with another abuser. I have talked to too many women who have walked this path.
Take some time to heal and to educate yourself.
The Drill Sergeant abuser often has some psychological problems. Although mental health issues do not cause abusiveness, they can intensify a man's violent tendencies. If he sometimes seems to become convinced of things that are obviously not true, has trouble getting along with people in general, was severely abused or neglected as a child, or has other indications of mental illness, you need to take even greater caution.
When there is indication of additional problems, it is important to be aware of:
- Certain illnesses can increase the chance that an abuser will be dangerous and use physical violence.
- Even if an abuser is willing to undergo treatment and is on medication, he may go on and off the medication at will and the partner will not be able to convince him to take it or predict when he will stop taking it. She should take extra precautions for her safety at these times.
- Anti-social personality disorder abusers lack a conscience and are repeatedly involved in behaviors that are harmful to others. This disorder is very difficult to treat with therapy and there is no effective medication. It is highly compatible with abusiveness towards women.
- Abusers with narcissistic personality disorder have a highly distorted self-image. They are unable to accept that they might have faults and therefore are unable to imagine how other people perceive them.
MANY ABUSERS WHO ARE NOT MENTALLY ILL WANT WOMEN TO THINK THAT THEY ARE, IN ORDER TO AVOID RESPONSIBILITY FOR THEIR ATTITUDES AND BEHAVIOR.
This concludes the discussions and details on the Drill Sergeant Type of Abusers. Before elaborating on the other types, I would like to take the discussion on a little detour.
Going into details of the Drill Sergeant abuser, I am reminded of how dangerous some of the situations may be. Many of these women may be wondering if he is going to get violent. Most importantly, I want to explore how to safely leave an abuser.
Although the Drill Sergeant abusers are especially likely to become dangerous, they are not the only ones who may do so. Many abusers occasionally use physical violence or threats as a way to intimidate their partner when they feel that their power or control over her is slipping; violence for them is a kind of "trump card" they use when their normal patterns of psychological abuse are not getting them the degree of control they feel they are entitled to.
